What Are these Monogamous Rules You Have Invented?

Monogamy!As time goes on, the logic of monogamous relationships become increasingly foreign to me, always a bit more curious, always a bit puzzling. But at the same time, viewing monogamous relationships from a distance, as seen from an outsider, I feel like I can perceive monogamy in its pure sense, on a level deeper than someone who is so absolved into its logic and customs that they do not have any perspective on it. It is much like the fish that cannot perceive the water all around it.

Seeing monogamous relationships from a detached perspective, the logic of it seems fairly straightforward. What makes monogamy desirable? For most of us it is the security. Being accepted for who you are, regardless of your flaws. This is what everybody wants in the ideal monogamous relationship – safety, certainty, security, and – most importantly, having the person that provides these feelings all to yourself. And being aware of this, when I try out a monogamous relationship, my actions and words actually tailor to fit this. If I’m with someone who’s in to monogamous relationships, I tailor my language to fit the paradigm. Somewhat subconsciously, I find myself saying things like, “you’ve got me,” which is a way of saying, “Don’t worry. You can feel safe.” And when I say it, I do mean it. I take care to say only what I mean. And if I say, “you’ve got me,” then I accept the responsibility that this entails. It means they can let their guard down without worrying that I will be careless with that trust – that even if the relationship changes, their feelings will be looked after with care.

The interesting thing is, people usually take this “you’ve got me” statement to have more serious “dropping the big words” kind of significance, a unique monogamous connotation. The reality is, I would feel this way towards anyone I was dating, whether it’s been for two weeks or two years.

So I kind of wonder what unique impression these last few people have had about me, seeing only a partial side – one version of Tim chosen among many. Because, the irony is – choosing this path seems completely arbitrary. I adapt to the paradigm I’m living in, and most people today want a monogamous relationship. But I could just as easily not be monogamous. I could just as easily be in an open relationship. If my partner wants that, great. It’s no trouble. My consciousness is open to following the logic and “rules” of either monogamy or polyamory.

In a monogamous context, I may get attached. It seems like that is not only likely, but it’s the goal in most cases in the long term. After the honey-moon phase dies down, however, the passion you feel is accompanied with attachment, and when it’s mutual – security, which is what everybody wants.

Of course, for the true monogamous game players, it’s more complicated than that. You don’t try to make someone feel secure immediately. You don’t show the person love and long-term consideration immediately, if ever. You’ve got to “play hard to get.” You want to be nice and thoughtful but not too nice and thoughtful. You’ve got to keep them uncertain. Don’t act too interested. He who says “I love you” first, loses. I have literally heard people say this. It is all a big mind-fuck, in my opinion – bullshit game playing for a culture that still has a lot of growing up to do.

I say, fuck playing games. I want to be real.

When you know everyone wants to be accepted for who they are, then that should be the goal. Accept people for who they are. Don’t judge them. Judging others only breeds fear in yourself, because ultimately people will judge you just as harshly.

In today’s dating environment, I can understand why some people might think it wise to judge and reject first to avoid the possibility of getting hurt yourself; so many people are careless with others feelings today. Has anyone reading this ever seen Jersey Shore on Cable TV? Case in point. Really there are too many examples to choose from.

Of course, some people might enjoy these games – the drama, the betrayals, the extreme ups and downs. But if you’re not into that kind of thing, I think we might enjoy the possibility of letting go of the script – letting go of the to-do list and game rules that everyone follows when moving through the dating-to-marriage cycle. “Don’t say I love you until the 50 yard line, oh! Fumble!”

No, I say, let’s forget about all of those conventions. Start with a new premise. One that starts with loving the person, being totally real with them from the very start, not 6 months to a year down the line.

Love them, just as they are, without discrimination. Love them regardless of whether they are right for you. Love them for them. Open your heart to them – today! – even if you know you won’t be together forever.

I think it’s a beautiful thing when two people involved have the emotional maturity to love deeply but be able to let their beloved go when the time is right. And until then, love them 100%. Isn’t that the deepest form of love? To love 100%, even when you know it’s not going to last? Isn’t that true of all relationships? We love, even knowing everyone we love one day will die, or move away, or want to share their life with someone else.

But until then – in this moment – you can love them like this moment is all there is.


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